Now that I’ve gotten that last experience off my chest, let’s get back to the most hilarious part of dating – the online suitors. Over time, I’ve saved the most ridiculous and funny messages / profiles I’ve come across…and there’s a lot. A ton, actually. Since I’m running out of phone storage, I’m sharing my favorites to create space for more pressing things, like re-installing my Domino’s app; I think I have some pizza points waiting.
So for your viewing pleasure, here’s what’s out there in the great world o’ dating. To my married friends: try not to be jealous.
The guy who wants me to know his butt is always clean:
The guy who wants me to know he doesn’t have a job but likes chicken fingers, so that’s coo. Even though he might also be a serial killer:
The guy who brags about farting:
Different guy, more farts:
Third guy, even more farts:
Fourth guy, again with the farting! While I appreciate the honesty (and also feel bad for him because cheese is life), WHY IS THIS A THING???:
The guy who just wants to send me a message letting me know what my name is:
The guy who wants to use my name, but spells it wrong despite it being at the top of my profile:
Big Bear, little attention to detail..but not as bad as…
The guy who uses my name, then asks me what my name is:
Then there’s the guy who might think my name is Jo:
Playa, play on.
Then there’s the guy who likes big butts and he cannot lie. And also likes golden showers:
Or this one, who does not like golden showers, but does like competitive bottle urination and sausage meat:
Then there’s the married guy whose wife is in on it:
And the one who doesn’t show his face, making me think his wife is probably not in on it:
Can’t forget about this gem, which made me laugh way harder than I should:
The guy(s) who get straight to the point, which I don’t hate:
Or the guy(s) who don’t know how to punctuate sentences, which I do hate:
The guy who looks like Will Ferrell:
Will you marry me? Get it?
The guy who looks like a grandpa:
The cheesy guy(s) that these sort of messages must work for…otherwise why would they still be writing them?:
Paul, your not great at grammar.
Not all guys give terrible compliments, though! This guy made my day:
You are a kind, bearded man who uses “you’re” correctly. Let’s get married.
I would also marry this guy, if only he knew what a haiku was:
I mean, everyone knows a haiku is 5-7-5, but I’d let it slide for this guy cuz this is funny as shit. Especially since his name wasn’t Brad.
On the other hand, there’s Kreepy Kirk:
The guy with prettier hair than me. (Side note: I did get a good laugh out of his intro):
“What it do ladies”. Classic.
The guy who’s shamelessly addicted to porn, but also more fun than my ex?:
The self-admitted doofus:
The guy who loves jorts and probably weed:
The guy who loves emojis:
The guy who’s stuck in the ’50s:
The guy who’s stuck on himself:
The guy who doesn’t mind if you’re bat-shit crazy – as long as you’re not fat:
The poor planner:
The poor speller:
The poor dresser:
This. Just this:
The guy with a cute dog that I’m just throwing in here to see if you’re still paying attention:
I don’t even know what this is:
The guy who’s creepier than Kirk:
The guy(s) that I can relate to:
The guy(s) I think are hilarious but I’m not attracted to:
(That lion reference took me a minute)
The poet, who also fits into the category above:
The guy I already met, in real life, but he doesn’t remember me:
And finally, the two guys that take the cake for the best online suitors:
…and neither of them want to date me. 🤣
Lesson #8: Yes, golden showers and farts are terrible talking points. Yes, proper spelling and grammar are rare…and yes, there are some horrible people out there – I purposely left out all the raunchy, demeaning, and disgustingly explicit messages I’ve received. But if you look closely enough, the online dating world is also full of complete and utter comedy gold. So keep laughing, it’s all you can do.